It's all a Matter of Trust

Another pretty uneventful piece of shit week in the life of me. Sound mind is sounds body, right? Aww hell, sucks to that. Polyhedron has been the most important thing that happened and this week and I'm goddamn thankful for it. It creates a window where my mind can leave my body, but instead of travlling to a world that may have once existed, it travels to the world outside my door. If that made no sense, I apologise. Some thoughts and feelings are impossible to place into fragile words. It's like a lesson I learned the hard way many years ago: Saying something, anything is really easy, but taking it back...there's a challenge."

To be honest with myself, I haven't touched a book or any real learning tool all this week after school. According to my calculations, (which are probably wrong) that's about a pure 40 hours wasted...I think i just stepped in the shit...wait, make that sinking shit. Shit. I just noticed that report cards are due in a matter of weeks...I guess it's time for another "Superior Inferiority" blog.... In any case, I've learned to be slightly more open...and slightly more trusting. Not enough to let anyone see beneath my eyes....but enough to glimpse what's behind them. And in turn, I think I am also on the receiving end of this trust thing too. Trust is a hard thigns to earn, very easy thing to lose. Trust is a fragile thing...like words. I believe that is enough I'll trust all you people with out there in blog land. Just special thanks to gil for helping me sort of set my mind straight. Until next week.....

Quiz Time

I like taking personality tests..to see how I am outside of myself. Here goes.
1) Starting Time: doesn't matter
2) Full Name: Eat it.
4) School: Currently: Mary Ward
5) Hair color: black, if not then really dark brown
6) Eyes: same as hair
7) Height: 5'5
8) Siblings: 1 sister, 1 brother
10) Missed School Because It Was Raining: their idea
11) Set Any Body Part On Fire For Amusement: Sadly, yes.
12) Kept A Secret From Everyone: easily
13) Had An Imaginary Friend?: no
14) Wanted To Hook Up With A Friend: yeah
15) Cried During A Flick: no
16) Ever Liked A Teacher or had a teacher like you: butt, out buddy
17) Ever Thought An Animated Character was Hot: i forget from what movie, but yes
18) Ever Prank Called Someone: too many times
19) Been On Stage: that's all in past, yes
20) Shampoo: who the hell cares?
21) Soap: same as above
22) Colors: black white grey red
23) Day/Night: night
24) Kind of music: rock, punk, metal, alternative
25) Lace Or Satin: the hell?
26) Cartoon Character: batman

-LOVE, FRIENDS AND CRUSHES-
27) Have a bf/gf: no
28) Like Anyone: yes
29) Who's The Loudest: who cares
30) Who Is The Shyest: same as above
31) Who do you go to advice for: gil
32) Who Do You Cry With: the hell?
33) Been Mean: it's a habit
34) Been Sarcastic: same as above
35) Talked To Someone you have a crush on: yes.
36) Missed Someone: yes
37) Hugged Someone You Liked: yes
39) Laughed Until You Cried: another habit
40) Watched A Sunrise/Sunset: yes
41) Went To The Beach At Night: the remedy for anything
42) Are You Happy: please define
43) Are You Talking To Someone Online: yes


----------DO YOU BELIEVE IN----------
45) God/Devil: there's not one without the other
46) Love: yes
47) The Big Bang Theory: Yes
48) Heaven/Hell: we're in hell now, so there must be a heaven
49) Who Named You: my parents together
50) When Was The Last Time You Showered: 30 min ago.
51) What Is Right Next To You: CDs, pile of homework/books
52) What Is You Computer Desk Made Of: wood
53) What Are The Last 4 Digits In Your Phone #: 4132
57) How Many Buddies Do You Have On Your List: not above 20
58) How's The Weather Right Now: just rained...cold
59) Have You Ever Smoked Pot: no
61) Do You Eat Oreos: yes
62)Favorite song: can't pick one out
63) Favorite food: whatever on the table
64) Favorite Movies: can't pick one out
65) Are You To Shy To Ask A Girl/Guy Out: hell yes
66) If You Could Change Your Name what woud it be: jack
67) What will Your First Son's Name Be: something starting with J, V or X
68) Daughter's Name Will Be: same as above
69) Favorite Drink: water
70) Do You Like Scary Or Happy Movies: both are for idiots
71) Do You Like Talking To People On The phone or in person?: neither
72) Lust Or Love: love
73) Do You Consider Cheerleading A Sport: in a small way, yes
74) Least likely to respond: who the hell cares
75) Do You Want Your Friends To Do This And Send It back?: couldn't give a shit
76) Time Ended: doesn't matter

Farewell...

Well, that's another semi-boring uninteresting week of my life that I just wasted away. It's four in the morning so I can't even rationalize why I'm doing this here and now. All I seem to remember in the past week was History Day. That was....uhhh...."undescribable" in its own way. Waste of my not-so-valuable time. It's the March Break. Now I don't even have an excuse for not doing work. Ehh...why bother? Mr. Church is leaving...in a sudden twist. I'm not the only that will miss him. Not by a longshot. I think the entire basement wants him back...but every person has their own roads they must travel down, and some of these roads are filled with uncertainty. I sure will miss the way he knows anything about anything. Mr Church...you will be missed. Anyway, I now have ample time to do as much work as needed. Not going to happen. I've just been moving throughout the net...and coming up with nothing for anything. I'm going to miss Dungeons & Dragons. If I'm not making sense, forgive me. It's 4:00 AM. I just took a quiz and it said the meaning of my life was intelligence. I do put pride into knowing what I know, but I will not go beyond me my means to gain knowledge. Knowledge can only make you as happy as ignorance, but I just costs more. I'm looking forward to spending the week at home, get some much needed rest and rejuvination.

I just read over some of the things I wrote in my previous journal and I think I know why I stopped. I think I was writing to tell or show someone, not to get my true feelings out in the open. Still, some of the things I wrote in there are actually pretty good and pretty powerful. Really makes you think. http://osirus.scribble.nu. I think that's about all I have to say. Unless some stuff comes back to me in about 5 minutes, I'm ending here. There it is. I am still getting ignored or excluded by people I thought I knew. I don't think they notice it or intend to do it, but they do it anyway. So I talked to Gil again this week and the guy completely understands me. He's even offered to "treat" my case of anti-socialness. Perfect. Now I'm making up my own words. I've been writing for almost an hour now...most of it was just thinking about anyhting that happened during the past week. I think I'm happier now more than in the last few months. Until next week...

I am pretty goddamn sure there's not a soul reading this, but I really don't care. It's been more than two weeks since my last update and there is a semi-valid reason for this...I have no life whatsoever. Gil said it the way it is - I'm an anti-social asshole. In hindsight, he's right. I just can't stand being around more people than necessary, and for the most part, I feel more comfortable alone - or at least that's my excuse for this week. I feel like I'm getting shunned by every single person, people that I THOUGHT I knew, but they's rather tell me to screw myself than to give me the time of the day. None of these people are from the 7, but a brick wall can only take so much before it cracks. If there's anyone I have to thank for the events of the past two weeks, it would have to be the 7 and Gilbert. The 7 for being there as I am in my own relaxed state and Gilbert for the intellectual, thought-provoking conversations. I'm giving up the idea of even bothering with the opposite sex...I'm like a chicken without a head with them - not a goddamn clue and I don't feel like Sherlock Holmes anymore, I'm sick and tired of looking for clues. Whatever.

I've done more work over the past two weeks, but it's not nearly enough to get me where I want to go. Selected my courses....hope I chose right...for once. I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I'm not in heaven, I'm not in hell, I'm not inside, but I'm not outside. This is how I feel.