The Truth is Simply a Name for a Beautiful Lie
Of all the places I expected myself to be, this is not one of them. Regarding school..I found some momentum, and I got a substantial amount of work done, Yet, it was fleeting. Now, the building, that institution that stands for everything I hate is eating me alive. It's taking me pretty much everything I have mentally and physically to do what I'm doing..but I guess it's not enough on both ends. For the moment, it's bearable, but I fear, that when the work clamps down, and more of my committment is needed, I won't have enough. Now..I know just how she must have felt back then. It's actually quite a feeling..joy and sorrow; happiness and misery; love and hate at the same time. Of course, the only person I could truly hate is myself, but that is beyond the point. I don't know where I'm going with this, all I know, is that I already smell shit coming from that direction..
In other news, so to speak, it seems I've become a commodity. Everyone must have me. Well, not entirely, just my blood. I've really fucked up huge here and hurt a lot of people, and I really don't want to do this. Oh, how I wish there was a clock, back to the time that everyone but me was happy, then, everything would be alright. I certainly don't want to lose what I have now, but if it means that everyone else is happy, I really wouldn't mind going back. It seems I've changed, and for the worse. I find that no one will go with me down this road, and who can really blame them? No one follows a fool. I apologize for speaking so abstractly, but, if I generalize this, I fear that it will be seen in the wrong way, as so often happens to me.
I really, really feel like dirt, and rightly so. I don't deserve to live, I don't deserve any of the opportunities my life has given me, I don't deserve her love. I honestly don't deserve anything. If I was to die tomorrow, I don't think I could be any happier, because the entire world would be happier. "Do the world a favour, and step on that pedal." Well, this would only work if I was crossing the street in front of the car. What would be the sudden reason for all of this? There is no one thing. Everything just added up again, and me being as weak and cowardly as I am, I seek the only path I am certain would bring happiness to others. That's all life is about, right? To make others happy?
I don't know who I am. I don't who I was. I don't know who I will be. I don't know where I am. I don't know where I came from. I sure as hell don't know where I am going. The only thing I do know, is that, I've wasted this life. I'll accept right now, that I haven't lived to how I could be living. I'll accept that I've only survived, I've only existed, but not lived. And instead of burdening the rest of the world with my futile attempts to live, I'll do them all a favor and cease to exist. Hopefully in time, I could cease to be a memory; and so that not everyone who has had the "pleasure" of knowing me is not contaminated in mind, body and soul. Maybe I'm not thinking right, this is a fact. Or maybe..just maybe..I'm thinking with absolute clarity.
