pArAnoiA eternAl

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Cowboy Bebop - See You Space Cowboy
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Don't ask me why I fucked up the title like that. I really don't need a reason. I've come on, the night before the presentation.. the one goddamn fucking presentation that I've been stressing about for a good few weeks. But you know what, I've realized. It's just another fucking unit, there are 17 others just like it. Get over it, fucking present, and be done with it. I'm going to get such a shitty mark. And I'm also making up half the shit I'm putting into it, but once more, I fail to care. It's not like they know Stephen King well enough I'm lying to their faces. Professionally.

This layout, sucks. I suck with html, I suck with graphics, I just suck overall. Seriously, I'm below average in everything I do. Even in looking decent. Belooow average. I'll get more into that later. I am the inferior. Gaze upon and and feel your self-confidence grow. Because now you know, that no matter what, there's someone worse than you. And his name is Joe.

God.. she sent me a very recent picture of her.. and she is.. goregous. I can't help but slow my speaking when talking about her.. it's just.. she's so.. beautiful. I feel so out of my league, so undeserving to have her.. That is to say that I don't control her, but I have her love.. Once more, I can't stand looking at a mirror. It's just so depressing what a disappointment I'll be to her. Not exactly what I want to do. Things go right, things go wrong. Natural equilibrium of life. Damn counterfeit. Of all the people in this goddamn city, it had to fly into my hands. Such is life. Then comes my getting online.. and paranoia.. Not something I want to talk about. But.. I am a stupid and jealous fuckshit who doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut. If anyone has duct tape and is willing to send it to me, I will gladly take it and shut my mouth. At least that way I can't offend anyone.

Wow, Joe is an uber disappointment to all he has come into contact with this week. Item #1, check. On to item #2, feeling sorry for my worthless self and bitching about it, also check.

- Later, Joe.

...

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HIM - Sweet Six Six Six
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There are things you should know
The distance between us seems to grow
But you're holding on strong
Oh how hard it's to let go, oh so hard to let go

I'm waiting for your call
And I'm ready to take your six six six in my heart
I'm longing for your touch
And I welcome your sweet six six six in my heart

I'm losing my faith in you
You don't want it to be true
But there's nothing you can do, oh
There's nothing you can do
Yes I've lost my faith in you

I'm waiting for your call
And I'm ready to take your six six six in my heart
I'm longing for your touch
And I welcome your sweet six six six in my heart

How long we have to wait
For love is fading so slowly
I know it's too late
Oh my god you're so lonely

I'm waiting for your call
And I'm ready to take your six six six in my heart
I'm longing for your touch
And I welcome your sweet six six six in my heart

I'm ready for that ball
And I'm ready to take your six six six in my heart
I'm longing for your touch
And I welcome your sweet six six six in my heart

In my heart..
In my heart..
In my heart..

I can't get over the fact of how good this song is. Not only does it have a perfect mix of lyrics/beat, but it also seems to express what I'm feeling the majority of the time. Sigh. Things are not so clear anymore. But they are better since you last heard from me, if that matters any. School's more difficult and more stressing than ever, now that I've started to put my nose on the grind. But it's only the beginning. I can make it this year, but it would be just so much easier to give up.. Not going to though. Thanks, but no thanks. Mm, and things have been better with her too, much better in fact. A new appreciation has sprung from our lack of time, not a good thing, not a bad thing. Still going strong, that's what counts. But.. her Spring Break now. As much as she needs this to rest and get away from it all.. I'm a selfish bastard, and wish that she stayed.. just to be with me. But she only gets to see her family so much.. and that's something I have no right to take away from her. Nor do I want to take it away, that wouldn't be right. I know I'm weak. And this following statement would only go to prove it. It's only been 5 hours since she left for home.. and I'm already missing her; withdrawing and feeling so very alone.. God, I'm so dependent on her. But in truth.. I want it no other way.

it doesn't seem to end,
not until my sight will flee.
innocence or guilt,
upon these things,
shall i see.

Fleeting

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Music : Exies - My Goddess
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I just don't know when to shut up. God. You would think I would know by now, that there are things you should say, and things you shouldn't. I don't know why I did that.. oh, that's right. It was even put into writing. I'm a jealous bitter idiot. Doesn't get any clearer than that. Maybe I have a right to be, most likely I don't. But it's the way I am, I'm an observer. I'll notice things, but to a deeper degree, trying to understand their state of mind at the time something may have been written or done. The world is my looking glass, my world is somewhere inside. Just.. the way things are done can mean something. Heh, I know this.. it all looks too familiar. And one wonders how that ended up. Of course, his isn't making sense to half of half of who ever is reading this, but it makes sense to me, and that seems to matter most.

Combine this with premonitions of the grave. To be precise, my grave. Not exactly the happiest of days when someone dreams of your death. ..I'll just let that topic go. However, everything today really did a number on my break. Not only emotionally or mentally, but academically. I spent so much time thinking, that I got absolutely nothing done. And Christ, I was supposed to redeem myself this week. Fuck, I'm going to fail.. I'm going to fail, I'm going to fail. Continuing, (sigh) my mood just won't be the same, not until summer again. Heh, I thought -school + free time = contentedness. Not anymore apparently. Oh well.. this is life. And you have to keep what hand you get. I think I'll fold.

- Seeking peace, Xero.

An Open Letter

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Music : His Infernal Majesty - Sweet Six Six Six
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Alright, I'm quite fed up with blogger right now, as my very long original post was not submitted. Here I go. I just hope I can remember enough of it to make the same impact.

This is just an open letter regarding relationships. To begin, I'll just start with two of the most prominent in my mind, 'traditional' relationships, and long-distance relationships. Traditional relationships are ones that would go through an almost formal courting process, while l-dr's (lazy) rely on advancements in technology to communicate, etc. I am in the latter group, and I can honestly say that I am happy, and in love. (I love you, Jess.) Continuing.. I'm just a teenager, going to a so called normal high school. Being there opens me up to a lot of observations, new and interesting. Due to my situation, I can speak equally about them.

I'm not up to this now.. I'll edit later, I hope. It really was a post I could be proud of. Oh well, such is life.

- Mixed, Xero.