Gaping

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Cowboy Bebop - Space Lion
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Just an incredible piece of music, with a taste of everything. Perfect for my current mood, whatever this is called. Feeling pensive, but empty and alone. I can't explain it any better. Footsteps echoing in an empty hallway. Close, very close. Watching the rain from behind a window, words unspoken. Even closer. City streets at night. I think these all describe what I'm feeling, and the way I usually am.

From Autumn to Ashes - Trapped Inside the Cage of My Soul

Inside me.
Empty, is how you left.
Confused, scared, alone.
I am confused.
I am scared.
I am alone.
I am without you.

Feeling very much like that. Sure, the context is different, but the basic emotions are the same. Or are they? I don't have the answers, but I wish I did.

Things are changing, and are on somewhat of an upswing, for me anyway. I don't know what to make of it. I don't want to be reliant on this, because I know that sooner or later, everything will slip away. It's bound to happen. Like other things in my life. It's a possibility now, that I'll see Jess in a few weeks. Sounds.. so good. Too good, to be true. But it is. It really is. I.. don't know what to feel. Of course, I still feel the same about her, but there's a tenseness inside. This one, I definitely can't explain. That feeling inside me, of dependency on her, is back, and stronger than ever. So.. very empty on the inside without her. Hence the title, gaping. Similar to a smoking, gaping hole within someone's body, is one like that where my heart would be. Again.. the 'prediction' is true. Too driven by emotion..

I want to hope for her coming, but I know I shouldn't hope too much. Past experiences dictate so. Also.. a dream I had the other night, that really fucked with my head. I want to talk about it, but it's not safe outside my mind. It really isn't.. Sure, it was only a dream, but as Freud believes, the dream is the subconscious, the true mind showing itself. So.. that's why I'm all worked up about this.

I'll end on this note, because this entry really didn't say anything of value. I'm feeling empty and alone, despite things going better (somewhat) in life. I will see her soon, and hoping's almost become a reality. A dream has messed with my thoughts and feelings, but not enough. Simply put, I just need to be with her, and tell her it's alright, and have her tell me the same. Because it won't be, once we're together, but we'll go through it hand in hand, with each other.

That's all that matters.

For the Meantime | In a Cage

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Smashin Pumpkins - Bullet With Butterfly Wings
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the world is a vampire, sent to drain
secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
and what do i get, for my pain
betrayed desires, and a piece of the game
even though i know-i suppose i'll show
all my cool and cold-like old job
despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage
then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage
now i'm naked, nothing but an animal
but can you fake it, for just one more show
and what do you want, i want to change
and what have you got
when you feel the same
even though i know-i suppose i'll show
all my cool and cold-like old job
despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage
then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage
tell me i'm the only one
tell me there's no other one
jesus was an only son
tell me i'm the chosen one
jesus was an only son for you
despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage
and i still believe that i cannot be saved

This sucks. The song however, is incredible. What sucks, is life. Again. As usual. Whatever. These days, school is done and over with. No reason for me to wake up so early anymore, and drag my broken body to a harsh institution. Wrong. I still have to wake up everyday, hell, earlier than when I was in school, for retarded purposes.. all of which are connected with my school. What.. the bloody fuck is that. I don't have much time to rest, as summer school is beginning in a matter of weeks, and my days are absolutely wasted with administrative bullshit. Coming home to parents that really don't know what it's like, yet running their mouth on end about how wrong everything I do is. I can't fucking take it much longer. Like the song says, despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage. I know I am not perfect, not by a longshot. But I want to live as I want, in peace. However, I can't. Everyone is on my case.. leave me alone. I just wish I would die at times. I honestly do.

I was actually prepared to write something upbeat about other things, but the mood was shattered. Verbal beatings tend to take the happiness and energy out of you. I've become a victim again.. of circumstance. Bitch, bitch, bitch. That's all I ever get these days. Do this. Do that. Change this. Change that. Stop this. Stop that. Become this. Become that. STOP BEING YOURSELF, YOU'RE WORTHLESS. Only so much I can take of this bullshit. Someone save me. Oh.. that's right. Just like the song above says.. I still believe that I cannot be saved.

- Seeking peace, seeking freedom, seeking that which I cannot have, Xero.

Obsolete

Now that I have come to think about it, is there a purpose even for me to be alive? I can be replaced in each and every way, which is sheerly amazing. Replaced by breakthroughs of technology and industry. I'm feeling sick to my stomach. I really shouldn't even be taking the time to write this shit, but I feel the need to. If I don't, then I'll forget what I'm thinking, and therefore become screwed when comes the time to stroll down today's memory lane.

Three days, I'm a free man. Hell.. I don't think I can even call myself that. Three days and I'm a free organic state of matter. There we go, replaced yet again. I don't have overly much work to do, compared to some poor souls, but I still do have some work to do. So no taking it easy. Not quite yet.

I've cracked, like an egg. Only two days ago, I snapped and decided my head needed some dents. And that my textbook needed a few too. I'm sure you can figure out the rest from there. Parents, who were behind me that night telling me that what I was doing was fine, have revoked that statement, and have been back on my case. Great. Let's sum up my life as of late.

School: Almost done this year. (there's summer school.)
Home: Parents on my case non-stop. (there's summer, where it gets MUCH worse.)
Heart: Obsolete. Who really needs a neurotic, paranoid, jealous fool when you can have the rest? Whew, imagine that.

Everything else, seems to be at its normal pace. Which means to say life still sucks. I hate you all. Good night.