Why don't I believe you?

I'm back. Because I want to. Because I have been excluded, by the choice of the one I hold dearest. And for what, I will never know.

Enough

---
Glassjaw - Siberian Kiss
---

Give me back my pictures of me.
Me, you, and him that makes three.
It figures the wheezing will measure your rate of depress
and I hope that you know.

Like a bitch in heat I hope she know.
So put another coin in and turn the crank until the frames
cease to move and the movie turns into a photo,
a photo the size of a kiss I hope she knows.

Staring at a Parisian sex flick where the characters don't meet,
the characters don't speak, and the characters are
like mirrors facing mirrors:
space always expanding.

So put another penny in and turn the crank until the frames
cease to move and the movie turns into a photo,
a photo the size of a kiss I hope she knows.

A hiccup in paradise I keep you jealously to myself,
in a photo the size of a kiss,
a kiss in the shape of a bullet.

On phone lines and letterhead, I'm dying about.
I've watched you whore yourself out for one more thing.
There's always one more thing.
If I can't have you know one will.
Pushing a lover to love another.
Are you turned on?
I keep you jealously to myself.

I'm done here. This wouldn't be the first time, that I have had to move, to avoid criticism for writing whatever I feel. So, dearly, I hope your corpse is found before nightfall. I may supply the link here, but don't count on it. I just want to write, without holding back anymore, and just looking through older entries, I've definitely been holding back.

So that's it. Enjoy the silence. By the way, I am apparently a bastard. Refer to the song for more details.

Silver Snail

---
Three Day's Grace - (I Hate) Everything About You
---

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet

Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don’t miss you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

Only when I stop to think
About you, I know
Only when you stop to think
About me, do you know

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me

I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

I went to the Silver Snail today. Awesome store, makes me wish I was rich, and had money to satisfy all my disenchanted childhood memories. (So thankful for their bag checking service.) I know it won't be possible, but I would want to work there. Surrounded by some of my favourite things in life wouldn't be a bad thing at all. I realize, I'm just very immature. So many things I do are just so childish. I don't even know why I have to grow up.

On the opposite end of this spectrum, I went to a university fair with a group of people. For the most part, it was collecting lots of booklets and other free swag from many different universities. As if I wasn't depressed enough by Dever's seminar on Wednesday. I want to die again. Nothing seems to be looking up in the future. I don't know if I mean that or not, that's the trouble of it. My body is ridiculed with soreness. It's insane how much a bag can really weigh. My legs are beyond aching; it hurts to walk, it hurts to do nothing. My shoulders are in so much pain, as is my back. For this reason, I was just very irritated. I asked everyone to die so many times, but didn't listen. They never do. Though there were some good times, and I lost all negative feelings upon time spent at the Silver Snail, it was a pretty shitty day. It was also picture day in school.

Regarding anything else, the song says it all. I don't quite know what I'm feeling right now. I want to sleep, or die. Whichever comes first. Until next time. (Hopefully, there won't be, I'll be dead.)

- Would you be depressed, if I attend our wedding but only as a guest? Xero.

Quizmaster

---
Glassjaw - Piano
---

You represent... angst. You have an extremely cynical outlook on just about everything. It's okay to sulk and be depressed, but life is short, and you only get one. It's only what you make it, and only you can make it improve.

You represent... apathy. You don't really show any emotion. You can be considered cruel and cold, but you just don't really care about anything. This is just the way you are... you're quite a challenge to get close to, and others may perceive you as boring.

You represent... loneliness. Always alone and always sad about it... unlike angst, you don't have to look for a reason to be miserable. You want to be in the company of people but aren't sure how to act when you're with them. Sometimes you have to make an effort. You can't always wait for others to come to you.

Three times, each with different anwers, because I found that many had responses to which I could easily choose several. Do you see a trend? I've been rather depressed and tired lately, I don't know what's going on. Another quiz, taken twice.


Dream, the third of The Endless, you are in charge of the Dreaming, all imagination and creativity, everyone knows your beautiful realm, but none truly understand it. You are dark and brooding, creative, and spend a lot of time by yourself, just thinking. You are almost as serious as Destiny, but not quite. Everyone is enchanted by you, but you keep them all at a distance, even when you shouldn't.

Destiny, you are the oldest of The Endless, you are eternally chained to a book that holds the secrets of the universe. You are all business, never have time to even crack a smile, and always make sure you do not draw too much attention. You do not want people hunting after you!

Someone to Watch Over Me

---
Frank Sinatra - Someone to Watch Over Me
---

There’s a somebody I’m longing to see
I hope that she turns out to be
Someone who’ll watch over me

I’m a little lamb who’s lost in the wood
I know I could, could always be good
To one who’ll watch over me

Although I may not be the man some girls think of as handsome
But to her heart I’ll carry the key

Won’t you tell her please
To put on some speed
Follow my lead
Oh how I need
Someone to watch over me

Won’t you tell her please
To put on some speed
Follow my lead
Oh how I need
Someone to watch over me..

That was a very sweet episode of Voyager. Sweet in its romantic sense, but also, like most other episodes, bitter-sweet. Sigh. I wish romantic adventures like that were really possible. Jeri Ryan has a beautiful voice, I wonder why she doesn't sing. Roberto Picardo can sing very well too, and together they harmonize perfectly. DS9's episode was great as well. Thin line between courage and cowardice, amazing statement. The reason I'm going on about trek is really just that I don't want to talk about how things are really going for me. This university thing is depressing me beyond belief. All these things I'm seeing on t.v., and all of which remind me of three things: there are so many things possible. There are so many things I would like to do. There are so many things that I will never experience. Until next time.

- M4VTCH. Might need to provide this number at the gate, Xero.

Lapse

---
HIM - I Love You (Prelude to Tragedy)
---

I don't quite know what the song means. I just happen to be listening to it at the moment, and it's a pretty damn good song. I just realized, I think up the best titles ever. So bow to me. Hey, you, in the corner. I don't see bowing. That's more like it.

On to it. I just noticed I really wrote nothing for the summer, a giant lapse. My own summer of course being one month, thanks to one month of summer school. But the reason I really wrote nothing, was because it was the best I ever had. And really, the only reason I would complain about that summer is because it's over. Oh yes, most definitely. Resuming. It was just amazing, somehow getting to talk at the very least an hour on the phone every night with her. Of course, there were occasional problems, both with her and at home, but nothing that was so bad I had to write about it. My writer's block was present all throughout, as was my insomnia. Those things didn't matter one bit. Jess and I got to talk for what seemed like forever, and it was really just something incredible. I think, it was then that we got really close, and intimate, as much as the phone really allows. Hearing someone's voice can mean a lot, many of you out there take something like that for granted. Not only that, I had also spent considerable time speaking with Tara, and Katie, who were happy to listen as they were to talk. Intelligent conversation, I had plenty of it.

On to today. During that charismatic assembly, Shelly was constantly leaning on my shoulder. Of course, it doesn't mean anything to me, or to her. I've just known her for nearly four years now, and she was tired. And of course, Tom wouldn't have liked that. I had to resist the temptation to just wrap my arm around her though. Again, it wasn't because I feel anything more than friendship for her; it was just the fact that someone was there. And of course, it was Jess in my mind. As displayed by yesterday, there are some really critical things one misses in a long-distance relationship. It's not just about appearance, attraction and tension. No, I think the greatest part missed is just enjoying each other's company in the simplicity of life, the best things in life. Sharing an ice cream, (or cotton candy) a night watching the stars, a walk to the docks, even just reading side by side. Those out there, who don't have to live with this, please cherish what you do have. Don't bother complicating it with thinking, because no matter what, just remember: You are with the one you love. Until the next time.

- LEV3L, Xero.

Desperation

---
Nickelback - Someday
---

I'm not the greatest fan of Nickelback, but this song really gets to me. Not only is the video damn good, the song's easily relateable. It might take some real watching and thinking to understand the video. Maybe a few times, too.

Someday, somehow
gonna make it alright but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
gonna make it allright but not right now
I know you're wondering when..

Something like that. And Jess, if you're still reading this.. I love you. The title's not a bad thing, nor is this going to be about an awesome King novel. But instead, something that came over to me last night, something that really asked me, as I was walking half an hour out for a payphone. "You know why you're doing this, don't you?" I stopped in my tracks, catching my breath slightly, actually even seeing it in the frigid night air. I could only say one thing. I love her. Desperation, over the need to talk to her, the need to hear her voice. Most importantly, the need to tell her I love her, and the need to hear it. To some of you, (whoever may be reading this) what I did last night was a small insignificant thing to do. I don't think it's that way in my case. I, am was a hopeless romantic, hopeless being used in its truest sense. At least I would like to think I was that. Nothing I did was ever right, nothing worked. And for the most part, I had given up on relationships in total. That was until, I met her. All of a sudden, I was doing things I would never do, nor even think of doing, just for her, or for us. But I don't mind. I would do anything, if it meant I could make her that much happier.

Getting back on track, (not for school, I have deduced this is largely impossible) the desperation that came over me last night was immense. My throat had locked up, in so much pain, I could barely speak. My breath was fast and irrational, and it was like some form of adrenaline was switched on. Perhaps it was emotion. Maybe both.

Now to fly completely over the moon, I am liking this philosophy course. I'm now actually getting credit for thinking I would be doing regardless. I have to admit, some of these theories are just outrageous and ridiculous, but not without a sense of truth behind them, as if it could be the absolute truth. Writer's Craft isn't going well. It's not the actual course I have a problem with, it's the work that has to be done. I just need to get going, and now, I suppose, I have to write a personal essay on an event that totally changed me and my world. Though I would love to mention Jessica in this, (as she did, for the better) there was one before that.. a few years ago. From then on, I think that my current stream of consciousness began, and I was very deeply changed. Was it worth losing such a friendship? At times, I think so. But at other times, it wasn't worth it at all. Anyway, off to work. Until the next time our winds cross.

Just come and take me home, Xero.

Fiction We Live

---
From Autumn to Ashes - Autumn's Monologue
From Autumn to Ashes - The Fiction We Live
---

It might be just what i need
No, i would not change a thing
Been dreaming of this so long
But we only exist in this song
Thing is, i'm not worth the sorrow
And if you come meet me tomorrow,
I would hold you down, fold you in
Deep, deep, deep in the fiction we live
I'll break in two over you
I'll break in two
And if a piece of you dies
Autumn, i will bring you back to life
Of course, i will see you,
I need to.

The Fiction We Live. Pick it up, it's a very sexy follow-up CD by From Autumn to Ashes. The lyrics above are from the song, The Fiction We Live, a very sad part of a seeming conversation. It's basically a reply to another song on the CD, Autumn's Monologue, the sexiest song ever recorded.

Oh why cant I be what you need
a new improved version of me
but i'm nothing so good
no i'm nothing
just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
of violence of love and of sorrow
i beg for just one more tomorrow
where you hold me down fold me in
deep deep deep in the heart of your sins

I break in two over you
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you dont see me, you dont...

here i'm in between darkness and light
bleached and blinded by these nights
where im tossing and tortured til dawn
by you, visions of you then youre gone
the shock lifts the red from my face
when i hear someone's taking my place
how could love be so thoughtless, so cruel
when all, all that i did was for you

i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you dont..

i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you don't...

i break in two over you
i break in two over you, over you
i break in two
i would break in two for you
now you see me
now you don't
now you need me
now you don't..

My God, I love this woman's voice. She's also been on another From Autumn to Ashes song, one of my favourites. Her voice is so strong, but so melancholy, so despaired. Short Stories With Tragic Endings. I've actually listened to that song enough to decipher the screaming. It's a shame many people dismiss this band because of the screaming, and I myself admit I can't take it at times. But go look up the lyrics, they have a lot more to say than you would think; not just senseless shouting. Same goes for Glassjaw. Thanks for that one, Tom.

Now that today's little music bit is over, I can get on with the rest. I'm feeling like shit at the moment. My body is falling apart once more, and luckily, I've stayed home thanks to that hurricane warning. It's turned out to be nothing though, just heavy rains and strong winds. Still, I'm glad to be out of that building. My shoulders are ripping apart at the seams, and I feel like my mind is too. I get nothing but bitching left and right, and sometimes my source of solace can't be that. I have to find somewhere to retreat to, someone to talk to. Thanks for this one, Lisa. At least there's her, to listen, though never to anything serious. Deja vu, I'm getting this a lot lately. But especially with this feeling. I can't help but feel I know what I'm feeling right now all too well, but still not enough to describe it. Until next time.

- I'll break in two over you, Xero.