As Time Erodes The Mind

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Music : 666 - Rhythm Takes Control[Noemi Remix]
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Sick. That's what I am. Not physically, although I will be in time. Partly mentally, as I am disturbed, but sick in the sense of something. Actually, multiple somethings. If you cared (which I really doubt), you would know that I am sick first and foremost of my school. My learning is fine; my education isn't. I'm going to have to bust my ass this weekend.. well, starting tomorrow. Two essays have to be done this week, and also I have to 'creatively' come up with a way to do presentations. In case you didn't know, I despise presentations for the sole fact they are presentations. I'll most likely have to do two tests I'm not looking forward to either. Oh fucking well, that's life. In case I also haven't mentioned, I hate life. I'll just have to find a way to manage my time wisely. I'll go on more about that later. Now it's time for number two on what I'm sick of list.

I'm deathly sick of being alone. Ironic though, I wanted to be left alone, but never to an extent like this. At least when I kill myself I won't be missed. That's one thing I really just want to avoid; everyone remembering me. So.. very.. alone.. no one to talk to that would care. No one to even have some fun with. I sometimes wonder why, and then I look into a mirror. Then it hits me. Ugh. I am a fucking monster. But.. once more, oh well. It's the life I live, such as it is. I hate it. Please end it all. Would you kill me if I said please? Being an observer does this, I suppose. Well maybe I shouldn't have found companionship in the first place. It's like a drug, constantly needing more and more. What happens to addicts when they can't have what they want? They lose it. I was fine being alone before all this. ..sigh.

Another thing I am sick of.. waiting. I don't mind waiting, as long as there is even a chance that who/what I'm waiting for would come. But as of late, I'm just waiting without purpose. I'm pathetic. Really, really, pathetic. Once more, this is so unlike me, to depend on people. I normally wouldn't, as the effects of what happens when they're gone. Now I know what she felt like for those agonizing September days. Heh, wanting me to depend on them.. and what happens? Loneliness, emptiness. That's life. I hate life. I hate you. I hate me.

- Craving suicide, Xero.

Farewell to Innocence

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Music : Cutting Crew - (I Just)Died In Your Arms
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Asshole by nature. That's me. Talking only shows how full of shit I am, how far I'd go for a joke, at another's expense. Mm, consider this some form of apology, to anyone and everyone. Believe me, I've offended you, even without your knowing. Many words are like daggers, so on and so forth. This is most likely the most you'll get out of me, so cherish and embrace it.

With that out of the way, I'll go on to what matters. Course selections hung over my head, and it's the kind of thing you don't want there. Compare it to a guillotine if you need it to. It will either make you or break you. And let me tell you, it doesn't take much to break me.

-- I'll edit later. I think.

As I was bitching, it's decided. I'm ending up in nursing. It's not that I'll do bad in the field, or I won't like it, I'll just do bad on the way there, and I certainly won't like the way there. But, without travel there is no destination, I suppose. Anything has to come with work, sacrifice, and all that other shit. The further from home I can get with this, the assumedly better. McGill would be the best shot, although Queens is really tempting. I'll cross that road when I get there. Yadda, yadda, bullshit.

Hmm, six months is nearing. I have an idea of what to get, but it'll take some sacrifice and work, and as you can see up there, not my favourite things. Yet this is different. It's something I want to do, not something pushed upon me. If I can't send it by then, then kill me. Hang me from a tree of sorts. Preferably high enough so my feet don't reach the ground. (If you're Jess reading this, I love you.) Mm, as Max has said, "Love makes time pass. Time makes love pass." Heh. Always a catch. I'll just leave you with particular lyrics that are swimming through my head this moment.

It's not unusual to be loved by anyone
It's not unusual to have fun with anyone
but when I see you hanging about with anyone
It's not unusual to see me cry,
oh I wanna' die
It's not unusual to go out at any time
but when I see you out and about it's such a crime
if you should ever want to be loved by anyone,
It's not unusual it happens every day no matter what you say
you find it happens all the time
love will never do what you want it to
why can't this crazy love be mine
It's not unusual, to be mad with anyone
It's not unusual, to be sad with anyone
but if I ever find that you've changed at anytime
it's not unusual to find out that I'm in love with you..
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Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person..
And the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much it's like choking down the embers,
Of a great blaze..

See what you can pick up from those words.
Xero out.

Prospect in a Coin

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Music : Finger Eleven - (anything)
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If those titles don't make any sense to you, don't worry. They don't to me either. Wow, one day after another, you know something's up. But in truth, with my life such as it is, the only thing that's really up is my cholesterol, or my intolerance of mankind. Sometimes both.

Many times have I wanted to face my family and say, "From the bottom of my heart, I really hate you all." In all honesty, I may not, but I want to say that, so very much. Firstly, they all irritate me gravely. Then, they expect more out of me than I can give. And lastly, they want to control my life. Materialistic bastards, they should live simply. And this using me for competition against relatives bullshit pisses me off. The only reason they really want me to do well in anything is to that they can brag about me. They don't care about me, as me, they care about me being an accomplishment, and I must say, that is sick.

Now.. I received my course selection package today. And dazed I am, about the entire thing. When you've got talents like mine, the future doesn't look all too bright. I have no idea what to be, no idea what university to go to, much less what courses to take next year. And me being the idiot I am, I decided to tell this to my parents. Wow, I can be rather retarded at times. This ended up with my current status in school, which sucks, and what I'm going to be doing in the summer, which is school, which sucks. To add to this, I'm not even allowed to change schools next year, which is almost guaranteed to improve my marks tremendously, which would allow a better chance at post-secondary education. I'm really lost here, and I said I wouldn't despair about this too much, but this course selection thing just changed everything. Great, I'm going to be a 'tard again. I could go on about the quality of education, but I think I'll just leave you with a good quote regarding it.

"Don't allow your education interfere with your learning."

'Till the next time.

Awakening

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Music : Goo Goo Dolls - (anything fits this)
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Retarded blog.. it won't seem to post it properly. That's just what happened to the edit, and the original I wrote of this. Yes, I think I have fucked with the template one too many times, and I just happen to be a computer illiterate moron. Damn, it was rather long as well. Fuck it, I'll remember as much as I can. Things, have seemingly gone better. Academically and realistically, I have seen things in new light. I give thanks to mon ami Mé for allowing me to realise some things about education. But realistically, I have Jess to thank, over and over and over again. Without her, I would be nothing, I would be broken. Oh, and if you don't know her, there's only one thing you need to know about her. I love her.

This may be terribly hard to believe, I have done what I have considered to be socialization. Strange world, isn't it. Hmm, I've talked to people, about more than just the necessities, conversation where I almost cared. Almost. Nevertheless, it was an interesting little while, as now I shall retreat to my haven in the basement. Hmm, regarding school, I'm in a no better place, and I also have my parents crawling on me for it, but I have seen things differently. The basic gist of it is to worry about today before I bitch about tomorrow. Oh, and to relieve my tension of school and whatnot, I've re-re-re-rekindled my gaming. I'm most likely missing a few "re's", but I frankly don't care. I just need something to ease my day, and make me forget about it all. Sure, it may be escaping reality, but if that's what keeps me from losing it, then so be it. However, I am forced to use my time wisely at home and at school. Motivation is such an aggravation at times. I'm faced with projects, essays, presentations and tests, and as much as I hate doing each of those things, I suppose I have no choice. Must make the most of everyday. Carpe diem. One of history's best sayings.

Raising money for a good cause has done me some good as well. Just about $310 in the name of cancer research with more to come. Even though I didn't do as much as I could, or as the others, I'm happy and proud with the service I performed, and also, the existing generous spirit of people, most especially students. It's nice to know that greed has not taken over all and generosity would be the future of humankind's saving grace. So, when you see something for the righteous, if you can spare something, please give out of the goodness of yourself. Might even make you feel better, you never know.

Now, as for the most important aspect of my life, there's Jess. Truly, without her, I don't know where I would be, but all I know is that place would not be anywhere as pleasant as where I am now. I like what she sees in me, and I think that she's perfect. Despite my negative traits, I can manage to ignore all else that cuts me deep regarding her, as the time we spend now is greatly limited. I just wish I could do more to make things easier for her, but sadly, I can't. Like trying to make a rock bleed. She's done so much for me already, and it would not feel right should I not do something for her. I do know that all she needs for me is to love her, and I do, but I still want to do more for her, for us. There's always the wish of making things easier for us to even communicate, but I do know that no matter what, waiting for her will be far more than worth it. Just to look into her eyes, tell her how I feel and show her my deepest gratitudes would be enough for me to die a happy man. Yes, happy. In essence, she woke me up to show me the sun, a bright tomorrow.
I love you.

The Sweet Surrender v2.0

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Music : Hellsing - Shine
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You should have seen that coming. You knew I wouldn't update it, for I am the ultimate in lazy bastards. Hence my situation in life. As predicted, everything in my life has intensified, leaving me in mental shambles. Thanks to the help of one incredible individual, I have remained sane.. even remained alive. I'm going all over the place, and so I'll now focus.

The realization that school is the only life you have is not a friendly one. Besides being online, I don't exist anywhere else. Sad, really. I count on the building I hate most to provide me with anything that resembles a 'normal' life. Well, there's no such thing as 'normal' when it comes to people, but I'm certain that the average person has socialization as a common part of day. Ha.. not for yours truly. It's almost like a planned event, something that is usually not spontaneous. Doesn't matter all too much to make so many friends, but loneliness finds me often, and sometimes just need someone to talk to, even if it's just inane banter. Continuing on school, certain things are looking bleak. Course failures loom over my mind constantly, as does the prospect of changing schools. Thanks to my beautiful caregivers, I can neither fail a course (to work ahead in other courses) or change schools (to a sane school). The amount of work is staggering, and the difficulty only increases as time goes by. Essays, debates, presentations, speeches, websites and such are eating up my time, as well as my mind.

Home.. is now just my three squares and a roof. Day after day, I hate these people more and more, but as long as they stay out of my way, they would not need incur my wrath. No, not physical wrath, a psychological one. I seem to have the ability to make people do as I wish, it just takes some stimulus from me. Mengh. I can see my parents for five minutes in a day, and within those five minutes, they do or say something to anger or disgust me.

Regarding the complexity of life.. this stems from my need to reach somewhere. Somewhere warm and sunny. Somewhere where the water is clean. Somewhere where money is just a word, and time goes as you wish it to go. This place, is non-existent, lest you count imagination. All I could ever ask for was a simple life, in which I can be with her, hassle-free. Things get exceedingly difficult at times, and this is caused by the complexity of money, greed and power.

-- Promise to edit later, when not sleepy.